Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide · Dr. Jessica Higgins

ERP 493: What Happened to Our Sex Life? Understanding What's Going On with Me—and Us—in the Bedroom — An Interview with Dr. Kate Balestrieri

·49 min·4 clips

Dr. Kate shares how asking 'What happened to my sex life?' led her to explore themes that separate people from desire.

This episode features host Dr. Jessica Higgins interviewing Dr. Kate Balistrieri, a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist, about understanding changes in sexual desire within long-term relationships. Dr. Balistrieri is the author of "What Happened to My Sex Life" and founder of the Modern Intimacy counseling practice. The conversation explores the individual and relational factors that can create distance from one's sexual self. A central theme is the unconscious adoption of societal scripts, like heteronormative or mononormative frameworks, which can conflict with personal desire. Dr. Balistrieri notes that many people ask variations of "Am I normal?" or "Am I broken?" regarding their fantasies or desire levels. She cites a statistic that about 70% of people respond to elevated stress with decreased desire, while 30% experience increased desire. The discussion covers how modern life demands, economic stress, and parenting can make embodiment and self-care difficult, impacting sexual health. Dr. Balistrieri advises against forcing or scheduling sex if it feels like an obligation, as this can widen desire discrepancies. Instead, she recommends partners schedule individual self-care time and shared intimacy time without prescribed outcomes. A key insight is that fantasies are a path to feeling something and do not define a person's worth, provided the behavior is consensual. Dr. Balistrieri explains that challenging internalized scripts can create both liberation and existential fear about relational safety. She suggests a process of assessing "safe enough" risks and using curious, non-defensive language with a partner, such as asking what a new interest provides for them and the relationship. The concept of "compulsory monogamy" is presented, with the observation that human relationship structures are diverse, and some people may be trying to fit a "square peg into a round hole." Dr. Balistrieri cautions against using "masculine/feminine" polarity language as shorthand, as it can reinforce patriarchal structures and create confusion; she advises partners to define the specific behaviors or energies they are seeking. She gives the example of men who enjoy anal play but fear it challenges their heterosexual identity, separating anatomy from gender identity. The idea of "rolling consent" and approaching shared space with an intention to "luxuriate" is highlighted as a way to build organic desire. The tone is educational and conversational, blending clinical expertise with personal reflection and practical advice. The style is exploratory and nuanced, avoiding prescriptive solutions in favor of guiding self-inquiry and relational dialogue. Listeners experiencing a shift in their sexual desire or feeling disconnected from their partner would find this episode highly relevant. Individuals interested in the intersection of identity, societal norms, and intimacy would appreciate the depth of analysis. Those seeking quick fixes or concrete steps for sexual issues might find the episode's exploratory nature less immediately actionable.

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