Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide · Dr. Jessica Higgins

ERP 492: Riding the Wave Together: Finding Ease, Resilience and Connection in Love — An Interview with Daniel Miller

·53 min·5 clips

Daniel's wife stopped responding, so he insisted she get her hearing checked—only to learn she just didn't want to listen to him.

Dr. Jessica Higgins interviews bestselling author Daniel Miller about his book "The Way of the Wave," which uses ocean waves as a metaphor for navigating relationships. Miller shares his personal journey through three marriages, attributing past relational difficulties to a controlling mindset rooted in fear. He contrasts his earlier approach with his current 30-year marriage, which he describes as deeply connected and accepting. Miller explains that his controlling behavior manifested as telling his partners what to do, not listening, and having unrealistic expectations. A pivotal moment was when a doctor told him his wife's hearing was fine, but she likely did not want to listen to him. His current relationship thrives on principles of acceptance, humility, and trust, which he developed after a series of traumatic life events. Miller distinguishes between "procedural control" for efficiency and "emotional control," which he identifies as harmful to intimacy. He identifies fear as the primary catalyst for controlling behavior and advocates for acceptance as its antidote. A key practice he recommends is asking, "What was my part in this?" during conflicts, moving away from blame. He shares an anecdote about his wife sensing his anxious thoughts during a car ride, even when he remained silent, illustrating nonverbal communication. Miller describes a recent, vulnerable moment where he cried in bed, and his wife's attentive listening provided profound healing and safety. He emphasizes that acceptance is an active practice, not passive surrender, and involves not taking things personally. The concept of "lulls," or uncomfortable spaces of not knowing, is presented as both a potential obstacle and an enhancer for growth. The conversation's tone is reflective, conversational, and instructional, blending personal storytelling with practical relationship advice. Listeners interested in moving from control to acceptance in their partnerships will find concrete practices and relatable stories. Those seeking highly structured, clinical psychology frameworks or conflict-resolution techniques might find the metaphorical approach less directly applicable.

As heard by us

A warm look at how partners pick up on each other's states and move from criticism toward clearer communication.

Episode 492, Riding the Wave Together, Finding Ease, Resilience, and Connection in Love, brings Dr. Jessica Higgins and Daniel Miller into a conversation about how partners can sense each other's states before words arrive.

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Why you'd press play

When you want conflict to feel less like a dead end.

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